Hello.

Sorry, but I have to write something somewhere that I know people will read.

I can't stand it anymore.

Keeping everything in is killing me.

But, as usual, I'm not gonna mention any names.

Oh, and if you're reading it but you decided not to in the end,

Just read the very last part, okay?

The P.S. part.

Thanks.

---

Every time I hear your name,

My heart leaps.

Every time I know I have a chance of seeing you,

I nearly die from ecstasy.

I love you so much it hurts.

I thank God that you're in my life,

And I promised myself that I'll never wish for anything more.

But it's getting harder and harder.

And I regret making the certain decision,

But I'm going to stick to it.

Somewhere in my head,

I still believe that my plan might work.

And if it doesn't,

Well, at least I tried.

You have no idea in the least how hard I'm trying.

I wish you knew.

Then maybe you wouldn't think of me as foolish.

But what am I supposed to do?!

It's not like I can tell my heart to stop feeling.

If I could, trust me, I would.

So many feelings have already faded away.

Hate for some people, jealousy and envy.

I don't feel those things anymore.

I only feel that feeling for you.

Whatever that feeling is called.

Love?

More like hell.

But heaven in hell.

Because even though it hurts so bad,

It gives me so much pleasure also.

So much that I can't stand it too.

What's wrong with me?

Who else feels this kind of thing?

Everything in me is like a whirlwind.

Everything's all messed up and it's chaos.

Ohmygod, I wish someone could help me.

But no one can save me from this,

It's up to myself.

It's my fault. My heart's.

I hate this feeling but I love it too,

Because I only hate it when I'm away from you.

But when I'm with you,

Every little second is like heaven, I swear.

Just seeing your face, seeing you smile,

I can't stand it.

It's too much.

You're too good for me. Much too good.

And if that's not hell enough,

You're haunting me in my dreams, too.

But I don't consider them nightmares,

Because you're in them.

Whenever you're there, like I said, it's heaven.

How could I call it hell? Or a nightmare.

So you haunt me in my dreams, as though my waking life isn't enough for you.

Isn't enough for you to torture, is that it?

If you're trying to torture me, then just get out of my life.

But please don't.

Because if you do, I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to live,

With that empty, cruel feeling in me all the time.

In my dreams, your eyes are so...

Different.

They are pretty.

Oh, so pretty.

But they also look empty.

So empty and hollow.

Why would someone like you have that kind of look in your eyes?

I thought you had everything in life.

Guess I was wrong.

Maybe I don't know anything about you after all.

Or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me as always.

Whatever it is, my point is the same.

My heart is fucking breaking apart.

But then when I see you, all the little tiny pieces come back together.

Then when you leave, they shatter again.

Then I think of you, and a small smile will cross my face.

Then I realise you're not with me and my smile disappears.

It's always the same thing.

I love thinking about you,

Because then I don't feel like I'm entirely alone.

For a moment, it's nice.

But that's in my fantasies.

Too bad they'll never become reality.

Even in a few years.

Even in forever's time,

Aeons from now.

Who knows what will happen, people say.

But I do.

I know that you'll never be with me.

It's sad, really.

Sad for me, not for you.

Stupid love triangles.

I'm always caught in the middle of them.

Always at the losing end.

Hah. Guess it's my fate, isn't it?

God, I'm so stupid.

Why did I even break that promise in the first place?!

I told myself I wouldn't,

And it's one of the only promises I broke.

I hate this.

I already knew I'd fall in love with you.

Because of the...

Weird things that happened in the past.

My stupid weird dreams that make everything so complicated.

They stir up dark thoughts of the past,

Of memories I wish I didn't have.

(I can't write about some stuff. Okay.)

---

Love♥
Zeal.

P.S. People who have read the thing above, thanks for reading it.

I don't even know if anyone is going to read it,

But if someone does, thanks.

I just need to know that someone knows what's going on,

Even though I wasn't clear.

I can't be clear.

Because no one can know EVERYthing.

There are too many secrets.

I hate keeping secrets,

Which is why I'm trying to be more open from now on.

I'm already beginning to tell Christine and Shernise more stuff.

So, thanks guys.

I hate feeling alone.

Stupid self-consciousness of mine.

Oh, well.

I'm so damn thankful that I have friends.

Love you all♥



But I don't want to either, because that means losing you.

If only we all could have the best of both worlds.

Tell her what to do, because she's losing her mind. She wants nothing more than to be with him but it's something she can never achieve. If only someone would tell him how she feels. But no one can do that for her. She can only wish.