Hello.

I have decided to keep my blog :)

Too many memories to delete it.

Haha.

And another reason I have decided to keep it, was because I finally bought a new diary.

Sooo, my blog will now be healthy and clean :)

Kay, so EOY's are coming in 3 days time!

Omg, so bloody fast.

I'm quite confident, though.

Because I have been a good girl and been studying (Y)

I'm done with geography and history.

Planning on finish Literature today.

So I'll only be left with math and science!

Yay.

I cannot wait till the exams end.

So many plans made already. Heehee.

And AMERICA, omg.

Cannot. Wait.

I'm gonna shop a lot.

And I'mma experience snow! :)

Kay, gonna go start work now.

Buhbye.

Love♥
Zeal.



The City of Lights,

I think I'm going to delete my blog.

Because.

It's not healthy.

For everyone and everything.

But I'm still thinking about it.

Yeah kay.

Love♥
Zeal.



It's all your fault. Why do you have to make me feel like this?

Wow. And for once, I find myself not talking about him while blaming someone.

Tell me how to feel?

Tell me to stop loving you.

Tell me it's inappropriate.

Tell me that you and I are never going to be.

Tell me that I'll never stand a chance.

Tell me you hate me, that I'm the ugliest girl you've ever seen.

Break my heart,

Tear me apart.

Leave and don't come back this time.

Tell me whatever you told her.

Please, MAKE ME stop loving you.

Coz while I walked home today, I realized that you really are never going to be the guy in my dreams.

You're really not the same person.

And it's no point hurting and bleeding if we're never going to be.

If I didn't love you, maybe I wouldn't be going through this right now.

And when you left, it killed me inside.

You know? Knowing that I'd never get another chance to see your smile,

To hear your laugh, hear your voice.

Never have another chance to talk to you,

Laugh at you, look at you, watch as you snap your fingers, watch as you talk to other people.

Watch as you look at me,

I'd never be able to feel the butterflies, to feel the weak knees,

I'd never get another chance to ever see you again.

And just the thought of it could make me cry.

But now, I think it's what I want.

I think I do want you to never come back.

Don't ever walk into my life again.

Coz I know you don't even like me,

I know you probably find me annoying and boring.

So, why don't you go away?

Go away and you could be happy.

And if you're happy, I'm happy too.

You wouldn't have to ever see me again.

Block me, never accept me.

Don't ever look my way.

It won't affect you in the least, of that I'm sure.

You'd probably be happier, right?

One less girl falling head over heels for you,

One less girl you don't want to fall for you.

Well, yeah.

Guess I really am just another one of those girls.

Oh well.

It was only just a dream, wasn't it?

It wasn't anything. Didn't really mean anything.

Did it?

Love♥
Zeal.



No, if I go with my heart,

You'd be unhappy.

And I can't have that, can I?

If you're unhappy, I'd be a thousand times more unhappy.

Really. I know.

So, yeah.

I guess everyone does have to be happy but me.

But then again, you'd be happy if I don't go with my heart.

So then... Would I be happy as well?



And you have no idea how sorry I am.

How sorry I am for thinking that I knew you,

For treating you like... that.

For all the times I've acted as though I really could have a chance, when I don't.

When I never do.

I'm so sorry.



Haha, yeah.

I like this picture, because it tells a story for me.

No one knows. No one really ever does.

I saw you a lot today.

Glad that I stayed.

I imagined a lot of things happening, but none of them came true.

I thought you'd ask about it.

But you didn't.

Guess you don't care.

But I already knew that.

So it shouldn't be so surprising.

If I was alone, would you have asked?

I wonder.

I doubt.

Love♥
Zeal.



Can you read my mind? Because it seems like it. I wish I could read yours.

You keep giving me false hope.

Like you keep building me up and making my walls go down.

But then you do something... Or rather, not do something,

That tears me down and leaves my walls demolished because I want you to know me,

But I hate the way you make me feel when this happens.

So, yeah.

I'm basically confused and I don't know what to do.

To leave my walls down? Or build them up higher than ever?

People say to take a chance, they say that it's now or never.

But how the hell am I supposed to "take a chance", you tell me?

Now d'you know why I don't know what to do?

Coz everything I feel like doing, and everything people say to do,

Like, "Take a chance." "Follow your heart." "Tell someone when you love them coz hearts are broken by words unspoken."

All those things, they contradict what I can/can't do.

I'm not even allowed to tell you I like you,

Let alone what? Make a move?

How the hell?!

This is annoying, do you know?

It's really annoying and frustrating.

Because people say to follow your heart but I'm not even fucking allowed to.

You know what?

Whatever. I give up okay?

I AM going to stop liking you.

I AM I AM I AM.

Fuck this shit, and fuck my heart :)

Love♥
Zeal.



I hate the world sometimes. I hate the order of things.

Today, I've realised something important.

A few things, actually.

Firstly, I realised that all I want is to see you happy because I just love your smile.

I swear. Nothing, and I mean nothing, makes me happier than seeing you smile and be happy.

That time when you were pissed off, I was so, so scared and I don't know why.

But not the one that was a few months ago. The recent one.

You were sitting alone and you looked pissed off.

I felt scared and worried and I wanted to kill whoever made you that way.

So I can't bear to see you unhappy.

I want you to always be smiling.

Even if I'm not the cause of your happiness.

And if you hate the sight of me,

I'll just avoid you forever, and this time, it would be real and sincere.

Because right now, avoiding you isn't for your benefit, it's for mine.

And I keep breaking my avoidance streak because it makes me happy seeing you.

But if it makes you pissed off seeing me, then I definitely will avoid you as much as I can.

The second thing I realised, is that I don't really want you to love me anymore.

I mean, if it makes you happy, then I definitely would not mind you loving me.

But if you were forced into it, if that were possible, then I'd rather us to never work out.

Never start anything at all.

Love♥
Zeal.



Is this me giving up?

Dear Xtine,

Selamat Hari Raya! :)

Hope you and all your relatives enjoy this special day.

Save the money you get! And enjoy the food! :)

It's your reward for being a good girl and for fasting.

So yeah hope you enjoy all the visiting and all.

What did'cha wear anyway?! HAHA. I want to seeeeee!

Heehee.

Kk, buhbye!

Love♥
Zeal.

(And I'm sorry, I don't know what picture to put here! D: )

Happy holidays.

THIS.

This is EXACTLY how I feel.

This is the perfect picture that describes everything.

Yes, this is what I have been looking for.

Love♥
Zeal.

I can't find the right words to say.

5. List 10 things you want to say to 10 different people currently.

1. I'm sorry for being like this. I'll prove it to you that I am good. I'll make you proud.

2. Hey love! Our outings have been so fun thanks to you and your cheerfulness and your advice! :) ♥

3. I don't really like who you've become, but, I don't know, it's on and off for me. And I absolutely do not want to be a fake friend. So I just wish you'd change.

4. I'll see you tomorrow! Fried Rice Paradise, babeh!

5. Helloooo! :) Get well soon okay! Drama misses you! Xoxo.

6. Hey girl! You were really awesome that day. And everyone wanted to meet you too. That's so cool! Keep up the good work! Love your tumblr too babe.

7. Hi babe! :)) You're so fashionable and funny! I wish we were closer! But I like that you're always with us now! :) ♥

8. HARROW YOU. You're so spunky! Heehee. So random and funny! You're so cute!

9. I don't know who you are, but you are freaking sexy. Yep.

10. Ah, it's you again. Boy, I got loads to say to you, but only one thing is important right now, so here I go :

I love you, and I know you don't really give a shit because so many other people like you as well. It's just like loving a celebrity, only you're actually real. We've talked, made fun of each other, laughed and we even share an inside joke about someone. I don't know how you treat the other people, but I do know that you make me feel special, even though deep down, I know I'm not and you probably treat others the same way, if not better. You've made me so freaking miserable, but whenever I think of that time, I get so high after that. You just have that effect on me. And it's thrilling.

Love♥
Zeal.



That's why it's so hard to say "I love you".

They say hearts are broken by words unspoken. I spoke. But you didn't hear me. And that is what breaks my heart.

4. List 5 of your favourite drinks.

1. STARBUCKS MOCHA FRAPPUCINO.

2. Hot chocolate with marshmallows!

3. Milo.

4. Water.

5. Only yoghurt with pearls (Bubbletea)

Love♥
Zeal.





Drinks galore? Hahaha.

3. List 5 of your favourite foods.

1. Mac and cheeseeeeeeeeeee! (Especially my mum's recipe :D )

2. Chocolate! :) (Includes NUTELLA. And chocolate fondue!)

3. Spaghetti!

4. Pizza! (Like, the real kind. Not the junk (but still nice, though) kind!)

5. Chocolate brownies/cookies.

6. Mac's fries!

7. Quesadilla. Heeheeee.

8. Blueberry pancakes/waffles.

9. Salmon sashimi.

10. Cheese sausages!

OMG, how can there be 5?!

Love♥
Zeal.



I honestly don't know what to write here. Oh well. Food galore! (:

2. List 5 things that make you sad.

1. Realising just how fat I really am.

2. Not being able to fit into a new piece of clothing/shoes I just bought or realising that the thing I just bought isn't as nice as I thought it was at first.

3. Seeing my mum cry/exhausted/weak/sick. Shit, man. Worse thing in the world.

4. ANIMAL ABUSE. It doesn't make me sad, but it makes me super pissed.

5. Him ignoring me. Makes me feel pathetic. I probably am.

6 (since 4 isn't counted). Fighting with close friends. Especially if it's over some stupid misunderstanding.

Love♥
Zeal.



Life must be balanced out.

1. List 5 things that make you happy.

Can I list more than 5? Okay, I shall :)

1. Falling in love.

2. Indulging in chocolate and not giving a shit about gaining weight.

3. Sweet dreams.

4. Laughing at inside jokes.

5. Nights where you've just taken a hot bath, and when you step out, you can hear thunder and see lightning and you know it's going to be one of the best sleeps you ever had, and even better if it's really cold and you're really cozy in bed.

6. Playing with a new puppy.

7. Good times out with friends.

8. Taking a really good picture.

9. Moments where you just get so happy for no reason whatsoever, sometimes you even cry coz you're just so insanely happy for no reason at ALL... Has anyone but me experienced that?

10. Long bus rides on rainy days, listening to music.

11. Having your favourite song start playing on the radio or in a shop.

12. Meeting his eyes. (:

13. Running into him at the mall. Hahaha. Good times.

Ohmygosh, I think I could go on forever!

I shall stop now :)

Kay, I'm gonna do the next one now. Heehee.

Love♥
Zeal.



Life is wonderful.

1. List 5 things that make you happy.
2. List 5 things that make you sad.
3. List 5 of your favourite foods.
4. List 5 of your favourite drinks.
5. List 10 things you want to say to 10 different people currently.
6. List 10 pet hates.
7. List 5 good things about your life.
8. List 5 bad things…

---

I'm too lazy to continue my old letter challenge.

Haha, coz it's so long!

So I shall do this one :)

Love♥
Zeal.



Words can't describe this.

I wish someone else could feel this way so I won't feel so alone in this.

I can feel you all around me.

Closed off from love, I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain
Time starts to pass before you know it you're frozen

But something happened for the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground, found something true
And everyone's looking 'round, thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush
That comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh, they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see

I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

Love♥
Zeal.



But they don't know the truth.

Do I believe in love at first sight?

Maybe that's what it is.

But I thought I didn't believe in love at first sight.

I don't want to believe, but I do want to understand.

Because I think about you so often and whenever I think of you,

It makes me think of everything that's happening with me.

People tease me about you, people laugh.

And I laugh along and fake a smile.

But really, when that happens, I'm cringing inside, wondering about everything, hurting a little more.

But of course, it's just myself to blame.

I wish I understood.

But who ever understands love?

Sometimes, it takes days and days to form.

Sometimes, it happens over night.

And maybe even sometimes, it happens the moment you lay eyes on him and your heart just goes "That's him".

Love♥
Zeal.



And "forever" doesn't exist right? :)



Love at first sight,

Sigh.

Love♥
Zeal.



I'm so tired of everything. I'm tired of pretending that it's all okay and it's gonna go away, but deep down, all I'm really thinking is "It's not going to be okay this time." Maybe I just need faith, or maybe my heart really is just too lonely. I'm so sick of plastering that smile on my face, but when I see you, that smile becomes real and everything really does feel okay again.

I don't know what it is with me.

Right now, I don't even know who you are anymore.

Maybe I never really knew you.

Maybe I never really knew the real you.

So why do I love you?

Maybe it's the way you make me feel.

There's like a connection.

Stupid cliches.

I hate you for making me believe in cliches, but you do.

Like this!

This is a cliche right here, isn't it?

Oh gosh, I never knew my life was so full of cliches.

Only when it comes to you, though.

I've always believed in that "instant connection" thing, because I've felt it before.

But with you, the connection is so much stronger.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe that's the answer to all my questions.

But it may all just be in my head.

I don't know anything.

Love♥
Zeal.



Could you give me a hint?

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Take the quiz!

This is what I got.

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

---

I don't know how the questions they gave relate to these, but this is so damn accurate!

---

If you click "Give me more", they'll have more tests.

I forgot to copy the second results, so this is the result for the next one.

Here is the analysis:
You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

---

The next one:

Here is the analysis:

Kind and Gentle
Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

---

The next one :

You value your friendships: 70%
You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends.

---

Okay, enough for today.

I don't even think you're interested in reading it.

Hahaha.

Okay, bye!

Love♥
Zeal.



Hidden secrets and inner beauty.

You said forever, and you even made a pinky promise.

Even though I broke one of the pinky promises I made to you,

It didn't change anything.

It won't change anything.

Right?

Is that why you seem to hate me now?

Because I told one person?

And that one person being someone I trust with my life?

And what about you?

You broke a pinky promise too.

Or did you break it because I broke mine first?

I think I'm going crazy.

Too big of a dreamer, literally.

That's what she is.

She believes too easily and she lets fate take control of her.

And that's why she's like this now.

Crazy.

I'm so fucking afraid that this is just going to get worse.

I can't wait till it's my turn to leave you,

But I'm also absolutely dreading that day.

What if I'm not strong enough to let go?

You have to tell me,

If this is real.

Or if I'm really going crazy.

Because it feels and seems so real, when you look and smile at me.

And also because of that insane rush of jealousy I get when you smile and talk to someone else.

Sometimes, I wish you never came into my actual life.

But then I wouldn't have been able to feel and experience such extreme happiness, it's like being on a high.

Just tell me what to do.

Or maybe, maybe it's two whole different worlds.

Maybe dreams and reality really can never be together, even though you may be entirely convinced that it could.

Maybe the person I dream about is not you on the inside,

Maybe there is no facade,

Maybe this really isn't love,

Maybe I imagined everything,

Maybe I don't really love you.

Tell me what the fuck is going on,

Coz you always leave me confused and you always make me think too much.

Love♥
Zeal.



You even said the F word. You said forever.