This is the truth right now.

We've been talking late into the night nowadays, but we've stopped because I refuse to continue.

And now I'm not sleeping properly because I'm haunted every night now, tempted so badly to just message you.

But I won't. I refuse to.

Love♥
Zeal.

I wonder how you are. Sleeping well, I assume? I hope you are. I really hope so. I hope you're having sweet dreams. And I'm hoping with a fragile hope that I'm in them.

In those eyes,

Love, dead love,
Only that cold love...
Vicious and hissing,
Eating her alive,
Drowning her.

Young naive heart,
Only fourteen years.
Unrequited love,

It's the cause of her death.

To have your love thrown away,
Rotting.
Unanswered.
She suffered,
Too much for her young heart.
Each time she reminisces,
Dreams,

Yearns...
Outside she fakes her smiles,
Until her cheeks ache.

But under the pretense, she cries.
Until she bleeds,
Till there's a hole in her heart.

Yet no one notices.
Or cares.
Ultimately, she's dying alone.

Love made her this way.
Everyone else doesn't suffer the way she does.
Fair or not,
To her it's the same.

Maybe it's because she doesn't deserve him.
Especially since he looks like an angel.

Terrifying good looks,
Other-worldly charm.

Despair of hers rings out clearly,
I don't understand... but her words are gone,
Eaten by the wind.

---

What is this?

What are we?

Tell me because I'm not so sure.

You asked me to meet you.

Then you changed your mind,

But you still asked me to meet you for a few seconds.

Even though it is for a proper reason, even though it wasn't inappropriate,

What was that?

And all the times I've been staying up late to talk to you.

The secrets you shared with me and the secrets I shared with you.

Do you do that with other girls?

This is really confusing because I don't know what we're becoming.

And I don't even know if it's my imagination if we are becoming something,

Or if we're still the same.

We're probably still the same.

But I don't know.

Maybe you pity me, maybe you're using me.

Maybe you're just being nice and friendly.

But you trust me.

You said so yourself.

You told me some of your secrets.

Trusting that I'd keep them.

And yes I am going to.

I'll take them to my grave.

But I am aware that someone else knows as well.

So what is this?

If everyone is going to know, then I'll be absolutely sure that we are nothing.

But if it's only the two of us, I'm not sure.

And do you know what I hate the most?

That you have such a fucking huge impact on me, my feelings and my decisions.

Everything is based on you now.

The worst thing is that you don't even know.

You said that you thought I hated you.

Are you really that blind?

Damn it. Damn this.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU, CAN'T YOU SEE?

I'm pretty sure you know it, though.

Maybe I'm confusing you.

I think I can guess what you're thinking about this.

You're confused because you know that I love you but sometimes, it seems as though I hate you.

Am I right?

If I am, then you are right as well.

Sometimes I hate you, but I'm always loving you. Even when I hate you.

If that makes any sense.

And sometimes, I avoid you, but when you look at me I smile like a fool but then a few seconds later I ignore you completely.

And then you're confused, right?

Well I only do that because I don't want you to know that I love you.

Even though sometimes I wish you knew, because it would make things so much easier.

But that is something you can never know.

Or at least, it's something I'll never tell you.

Not until you tell me first, so basically, I'm never gonna say it to you.

But goddammit, I love you so much, sometimes I tear up just thinking about it.

Thank you for being there, even though you're not always there.

Thank you for existing and for living.

Thank you for coming into my life and for teaching me.

Teaching me about love and life, and problems and secrets.

I will always be grateful.

Forever and always.

Love♥
Zeal.



Words really really cannot describe this.

Day 1 - Your favorite character

I have two; Katherine Pierce and Damon Salvatore.

Katherine, because I pity her. She really did love Stefan and no one believed her. She did everything only out of love, so that she could be with Stefan. She's just a (vampire) girl who got hurt really bad and everyone took her the wrong way. She's smart also. And sexy and badass. I love her.

Damon, because I pity him also. It's like the same thing as Katherine. He really did love Elena but no one knew he was serious. They all thought he was just playing. But he really does care for her and wouldn't let anything hurt her. He likes to pretend that there is no pain, but that's why he's so cruel sometimes. Thank god that was only the first few episodes of season 1. In season 2, he's so sweet and charming. I love him.

Day 2 - Your least favorite character

I think I'd have to say Caroline. I find her really annoying even though she's really pretty.

Day 3 - Your favorite guest-star

Well if it's true that Leighton Meester is gonna guest star soon, then her :)

Day 4 - Your least favorite guest-star

I don't have one. I think all the guest stars were good :)

Love♥
Zeal.



Then I'll protect her.

30 Day Vampire Diaries Challenge

Day 1 - Your favorite character
Day 2 - Your least favorite character
Day 3 - Your favorite guest-star
Day 4 - Your least favorite guest-star
Day 5 - Your favorite episode
Day 6 - Your least favorite episode
Day 7 - Your favorite Damon scene
Day 8 - Your favorite Stefan scene
Day 9 - Your favorite Elena scene
Day 10 - Your favorite Damon one-liner
Day 11 - Your favorite quote
Day 12 - Your favorite funny scene
Day 13 - A scene that makes you sad/cry
Day 14 - A scene that makes you happy
Day 15 - A scene that makes you angry
Day 16 - An episode that pissed you off
Day 17 - Your favorite TVD friendship
Day 18 - Your favorite TVD romance
Day 19 - Your favorite TVD song
Day 20 - A whacky ship that you would love
Day 21 - Your favorite character entrance
Day 22 - Your favorite minor character
Day 23 - The character that is most like you
Day 24 - An episode you wish never happened
Day 25 - Something that you wish happened but didn’t
Day 26 - Your favorite TVD fanvid
Day 27 - Your favorite cast picture
Day 28 - Most irritating character
Day 29 - Your favorite TVD fanfic
Day 30 - Anything TVD related

Love♥
Zeal.



I think I'll do this first.

Day 01: Your favorite song.

Top 5? :) There's no freaking way I can just choose one.

In no particular order (and at the moment only) :

1. Lights Off - Jay Sean.

2. Sugar We're Goin' Down - Fall Out Boy.

3. Perfect - Hedley.

4. All About You - McFly.

5. Today My Life Begins - Bruno Mars.

Day 02: Your least favorite song.

Wow, I really don't know. Erm. I have quite a few I dislike. The first one that popped into my head was Can't Be Tamed - Miley Cyrus.

Day 03: A song that makes you happy.

Man Watcha Doing? - FM Static is one of them. Another one is, The Middle - Jimmy Eat World. And Tongue Tied - Faber Drive. There are a lot actually! Haha.

Day 04: A song that makes you sad.

1. The Scientist - Coldplay.

That song ALWAYS makes me feel like crying and I don't know why. Ugh.

2. Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - Aerosmith.

3. I Miss You - Blink 182.

4. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion.

5. Tonight - FM Static.

6. When I'm With You - Faber Drive

7. Here Without You - 3 Doors Down. I will never ever ever stop loving this song.

Love♥
Zeal.



Music is instinctual.

30 Day Music Challenge

Day 01: Your favorite song.
Day 02: Your least favorite song.
Day 03: A song that makes you happy.
Day 04: A song that makes you sad.
Day 05: A song that reminds you of someone.
Day 06: A song that reminds of you of somewhere.
Day 07: A song that reminds you of a certain event.
Day 08: A song that you know all the words to.
Day 09: A song that you can fall asleep to.
Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep.
Day 11: A song from your favorite band.
Day 12: A song from a band you hate.
Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure.
Day 14: A song that no one would expect you to love.
Day 15: A song that describes you.
Day 16: A song that you used to love but now hate.
Day 17: A song that you hear often on the radio.
Day 18: A song that you wish you heard on the radio.
Day 19: A song from your favorite album.
Day 20: A song that you listen to when you’re angry.
Day 21: A song that you listen to when you’re happy.
Day 22: A song that you listen to when you’re sad.
Day 23: A song that you want to play at your wedding.
Day 24: A song that you want to play at your funeral.
Day 25: A song that makes you laugh.
Day 26: A song that you can play on an instrument.
Day 27: A song that you wish you could play.
Day 28: A song that makes you feel guilty.
Day 29: A song from your childhood.
Day 30: Your favorite song at this time last year.

Love♥
Zeal.



What is life without music?

26. A time when you hurt someone’s feelings but don’t regret it.

Hmm... I don't think there is a time like that. I can't remember not regretting hurting anyone.

27. List 5 things you want to do in your life.

1. Find true love.
2. See the Northern Lights.
3. Go to Paris; the Eiffel Tower.
4. Own a horse.
5. Go to all my favourite bands/singers concerts!

28. Your most prized possesion and why.

My diary. Because there are so many memories and everything in it. It's basically my life, though sadly not since I was born. Still, though. So many of my thoughts are in there, so yeah.

29. A place where you feel most comfortable. A person you feel most comfortable with.

A place I feel most comfortable would be in a field, lying on a chair, alone and staring at the stars. Trust me, the feeling is incredible. It's like, it's just you but you don't even feel alone. And all you do is think. You even think of the bad things, but for some reason, it doesn't feel the same way as it does when you think of the bad things in bed at night. Under the stars, everything just feels better, calmer.

A person I feel most comfortable with is myself, because truth is, everyone judges you no matter what. Whether or not they tell everyone or keep it to themselves, everyone judges and I can't stand judgement. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to keep everything to yourself, where the only person who can judge you is yourself.

30. Who are you? When are you you? When are you not you?

I am someone you try to figure out for yourselves. I won't tell you. I give a lot of hints, though, through my writing and my blogging and tumblring, but it's up to you to notice the little things. I am me when I am alone, by myself. Or when I'm with animals. There are four people also, whom I feel like myself when I'm around them. I am not me when I'm with everybody else (aside from the four people, that is). I am not me when I'm with my parents, when I'm with most of my friends. Only those four people am I myself.

Love♥
Zeal.



Read between the lines, look past the surface. Because everything is never as it seems.

21. Something you’re ashamed of.

I can't say because I don't want the whole world to know, but it's the thing that I'm a hypocrite for.

22. Something you’re proud of.

Right now? Not much. The only thing I can think of is my grades. OH, but I have fulfilled my resolution for today :) "Even if it breaks your heart, you're not going to tell him", was what I told myself. And yes, it broke my heart, but no, I didn't tell him :)

23. What is your passion? How did it become so?

Writing, although I'm not a very good writer. It just feels much easier to express myself through writing from another person's point of view.

24. Tell us about the first time you fell in love.

How do you ever know if it's love, hmm? This one feels like it, but it just feels weird to say that I'm in love, y'know?

25. Are you a rebel or do you like going with the flow? Why?

I'm in the middle. More of the going with the flow coz I don't want to complicate things and all, so yeah. But I do sometimes speak up if I really don't wanna.

Love♥
Zeal.



Coz you're too good to be true. But now I know that this is real because time has ran out and whatever happens, happens.

16. What is your biggest fear right now?

Well..., I have a few. All my fears are really personal, but I've made a resolution not to keep so many of my secrets to myself now anymore. So, here goes. Don't judge.

Firstly, only recently, I have been afraid. Of. Myself. Because, I don't know, it just feels like I don't really have any control over me anymore. I don't feel sad now, I just feel so fucking angry when I'm supposed to feel sad! I mean, when I watch shows or something, I feel sad. I cry. But that's coz I'm on my period. And whenever it comes to my parents, I keep picturing violence. Like, I just keep having these urges to throw something, anything, at the back of their heads. Hard. And I have to pierce myself with my nails or bite my lips real hard to keep it under control. It scares me, coz I don't know what's wrong with me. I get so angry over nothing much. And it's even when it comes to my friends, but I don't picture violence with them, I just feel annoyed. But I keep telling myself it's not me, there's no reason to feel angry, so I'm still able to keep it in check. There are some people, though, who calm me. So I guess it's kind of alright?

Another fear is that (and this may sound really stupid, but it scares me okay,) I could turn bulimic any time soon. Coz nowadays, I hate eating. I try not to eat. And every single time after I eat, I feel like throwing up. I just feel like I have to be rid of everything inside me. I just feel so full even if I barely ate. Then there was once I came so close to it, but I didn't, obviously. Because it's not me. It's not what I do and it's not who I am. So yeah. I just hope I can control it coz it feels like I'm losing control over a lot of things (call me dramatic if you want but it's true).

And the last fear (like for right now), is probably the stupidest one. It's so stupid I hate myself for being scared! I'm such an idiot. It's the fear of losing someone you never had. From that, I think you can guess. Idiot. I'm such an idiot.

Like I said, don't judge me. Or judge if you want, just keep it to yourself coz I don't need anyone's crap right now. And don't help me, don't try to help me. I don't wanna talk about this. I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's the first time I've ever said something so ... well, personal. I hope I don't regret posting this!

17. Your favorite childhood memory.

I don't think I really have a favourite childhood memory because I can't remember much. All I can remember are the times I've cried and all. But I do remember Christmas times. So I think my favourite childhood memories would be all the times I woke up in the morning, finding a present from "Santa Claus". Haha, I'd get so so happy, man. Sigh, I miss those times. :\

18. If you were going to have 10 kids, 5 girls, 5 boys, what would their names be? (first or full names)

I like this question! :)

Girls:

1. Ashlynn Sierra.
2. Kaelin Alexandria.
3. Rose Vierra.
4. Isadora Mae.
5. Evangeline Juliette.

Boys:

1. Draven Matthew.
2. Azriel.
3. Ryan Christopher.
4. Adrian Xavier.
5. Zachary Evans.

19. Have you ever ran away? If not, would you?

Nope, I never have. And I may. Maybe.

20. If you could have a world of your own, what would it be like? Who would be there? What would you do there?

What would it be like? It'd be the world I've created in my head. It's basically pretty much the same, except there is no hate, racism, sexism or anything like that. Everyone would support gay rights because love is love. Oh, and there would be no periods. And giving birth wouldn't need to hurt. And chocolate and junk food were healthy and no one would care if you were fat or skinny. Everyone would be there, I don't want anyone to get lonely. Except there would be no wars and enemies. We would all be able to accept one another for who we all are. And also, everyone would have a soul mate. Of course, there would still be a little bit of drama, coz if not what fun would there be in life right?

Love♥
Zeal.



You know my name, not my story. Don't for a second ever think that you know me.

11. You’re locked in a big closet with 3 people, who are they, how did you get locked in the closet, and what are you doing?

Oh wow. Hmmm... They would probably be Lucy, Peter and Susan. HAHA. We got locked in coz we were trying to find Narniaaaaaaa! Unfortunately, though, we got stuck in the wrong cupboard! Whoops.

12. Choose a song that sums up the year you’ve been having so far.

This year... I'm not sure, it really depends. I can't judge based on the whole year, but I can state the categories.
If it's for love, then the song would be : Just A Dream - Nelly.
If it's for friendship : Save You - Simple Plan.
If it's for family : Perfect - Hedley.
Oh, but I think I know one song : Knock You Down - Keri Hilson. That sums up part of it.

And the songs I will never forget for this year are : OMG - Usher, Love The Way You Lie - Eminem feat. Rihanna and Perfect Two - Auburn. Because of the singing in class and everywhere!

13. If you ever ended up in jail, what crime would you have most likely committed?

Shoplifting, probably. That's the worst thing I think I would do. Not that I'd do it, of course.

14. Your life story in three words.

Three not consecutive words : Empty, Boring, Unsatisfying.
Three consecutive words : I could die.

15. A prank you’ve pulled on someone and a prank someone’s pulled on you. What were your feelings and thoughts through out each. Have your feelings and thoughts changed?

A prank I pulled on someone : Prank call? Haha, it was so funny, especially the gossip girl one. No, my feelings and thoughts haven't changed coz nothing drastic happened, so.

A prank someone's pulled on me : There are many, but none of them changed me either because a prank is a prank. Even if it gets out of hand (and they have, many times), I know the pranker meant well, so yeah. People make mistakes right?

Love♥
Zeal.



I just want to feel alive.